Eternal marriage is central to the Plan of Salvation. The bonds of matrimony are intended to create a safe setting wherein we can learn about selfless service, charity, integrity, etc. with a loving partner by our side. For something so beautiful and perfectly-designed, I've noticed that a lot of individuals don't quite know what it really takes to make one last! While most eventually figure it out, I wanted to explore the concept and help others find confidence in their abilities to be strong eternal partners. I hope this entry helps everyone to be a little more prepared for their future family, or motivates them to be better in the family they've created!
Before we get into the attributes of good spouses or healthy marriage habits, there's something very important I want to talk about that a lot of people leave out of the marriage discussion. The sealing ordinance is a blessing! When we physically enter into covenants, we unlock spiritual doors for ourselves. However, they are not the end of the work you will need to do to qualify for return to your celestial dwelling. When you become rude, obsessively critical, neglectful, cruel, or abusive in any form to your spouse, the only way your sealing will really count for anything is if you repent and do better next time. D&C 82:10 says, "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise". How many things has the Lord told us to do? Did Jesus not clearly instruct in John 13:34, "as I have loved you, that ye also love one another"? When you aren't being a worthy partner, you have no covenant. God is not bound, nor is your spouse if you do not respect and honor your partner and your marriage.
If you are reading this and feel that your spouse has been a source of contention, stress, fear, or anger in your life no matter your effort, I invite you to counsel with the Lord to determine what action you need to take to find happiness and peace. This can look like pursuing counseling, incorporating the gospel more into your home, receiving help for an addiction, temporary separation, or even divorce if needs be (and only you and God can determine that). If you feel that you have not been your best self in your marriage, I invite you to repent, apologize, make restitution where possible, seek help, and consult with your bishop. No matter, please do not ever feel that it is God's desire that you stay in an abusive, unproductive, or chronically unhappy marriage.
1) Eternal Marriage Asks What YOU Can Do For Your Spouse
It's so easy to get caught up in what someone is/isn't doing for us. So many people don a demanding attitude and throw around, "if you really loved me, you'd do x,y, and z for me". We get caught up in arbitrary expectations of expenses made on our behalf. Instead, our first focus should be selfless service for our spouses. Understanding that marriages are the setting in which we learn the most about Christlike love, and observing Christ through his life on Earth, we can see that service was at the heart of everything he did. In our own relationships, we absolutely must be there for our spouse! We should keep an eye on their needs and support them emotionally. Be there when your spouse is sick, help them when they are hurting, hear them, honor them, love them, and pray for them.
Are you struggling with feeling neglected? The best thing you can do is write a list of things you're grateful for about this person. Making yourself write a list of ten attributes about your partner, as detailed or simple as you'd like, will shift your attention from I need, I want, I demand, I'm disappointed and give you an excuse to water thankful seeds. Next, make it a point to give your spouse at least five compliments a day showing them gratitude. As you show them your appreciation, s/he will be more willing to help! Another thing you need to do is get clear on why you feel your spouse is being self-centered not considering you. Did something happen recently to them or your family? Has stress been getting to him/her? Have you stopped noticing the good things or being appreciative? If you can start to get a clear picture of what's happened and what you specifically would like instead, you can have a constructive conversation with your spouse about what needs to change.
Unmotivated to serve your partner? Pray for the help! Pray for inspiration to help your spouse. That's the greatest start. Next, make a list of all of the things the other person does. Highlight their obligations like laundry, cooking, work, or a church calling. Think about how you can assist them or make these obligations easier. If you're still stumped, ask! It means the world to all of us just to be asked how we can best be served. Sometimes we'll just need a listening ear or a loving shoulder to cry on. Finally, communicate your love and appreciation for them. Even if you feel like you can't do enough for them, letting them know that you see them and are aware of their sacrifice makes such a difference.
Step one to being a phenomenal spouse? Keep an attitude of charity and service!
2) Love Is KIND
In marriage, we are experiencing the journey of life together, as partners. Similar to how we should be serving one another, we're also asked to encourage and uplift one another. Life. Is. HARD! Why would we want a companion making it any harder? We are not asked to find fault and hold on for dear life to one another's sins and shortcomings. We are not to be accusatory or mocking in manner. We should be loving. We should be forgiving. Our spouses need us to be their safe person to go through growing pains with. We're to empower one another to continue growing and preparing for the next phase of eternal life. Please, don't waste this short life trying to use your spouse as a punching bag. Instead, be kind and loving. Do your best to speak to them as if the Savior was in the room.
Does your spouse have a sharp tongue? There are steps to handling this! First, communicate your concern. Let them know that what they said hurt you and ask them to be more considerate with their language towards you. If this doesn't work or they become combative, a great resource would be consulting your bishop (together or on your own). Let them know what's going on and how you feel. Try to bring details to your bishop such as the words, the situations you've been hurt in, how you've tried to handle it and how your spouse reacted. Leaving no detail out can help your bishop get a sense for how severe the situation is and what kinds of services he might need to refer you to. In addition to consulting the bishop, you should make an effort to see a therapist. Therapists can help you navigate the situation and find resolution, no matter the severity of trouble your relationship is in. If you've tried everything and find no meaningful progress, it may be wise to get some space for the sake of your mental, spiritual, and emotional health.
If you find that you have been abusive in any manner to your spouse, you can develop better habits. Apologize to your spouse. Meet with your bishop and get yourself into a therapist's office. Be more selective with the media you use and the people you hang out with. Observe the language your company uses. Is it more positive than negative? Are they hyper-critical of others or determined to find something to complain about in everything? Are you watching and listening to healthy examples of communication? Do you use social media to vent about your spouse either directly or indirectly? Consider all of these things, keeping in mind that we often become the company we keep. It may be beneficial for you to take a step away from social media, certain friends/co-workers, etc. as you learn how to communicate in a direct, mature, and kind manner. Work on Christlike attributes to be the kind of person your spouse deserves.
Step two to being the best eternal companion you can be is to choose words and behavior carefully, intentionally, and lovingly.
3) Be Strong In The Gospel
How can we expect to have a wonderful temple marriage if we're just part-time saints? In order to keep the spirit in our homes and marriages, we have to live the gospel to the best of our ability. This means daily scripture study, regular church attendance, trips to the temple when possible, daily prayer, and being selective about the people, media, and language we allow in our homes. Saints need to keep the Lord involved in every facet of their lives, from diet and exercise to hobbies, professions, and huge family decisions. We should live gospel-led lives to have gospel-led marriages. Crowd out space for anger and jealousy and other negativity with the power of the spirit.
If your spouse is struggling with their testimony, take heart! This is a common experience that tends to come with many types of growing experiences. Mosiah 23:21-22 reads, "Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith. Nevertheless-whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day. Yea, and thus it was this people". We learn from this scripture that trust in God is a challenge in and of itself, and we need to encourage and support our spouses as they struggle-and they will. We will, too. Remember that struggling to live the gospel is not a reflection on the person's dedication or character. Rather, it's a sign that the person is actively engaging with the gospel. Sometimes it's hard to align our wills with the Lord's. Respect the process. Do your best, and give your spouse an abundance of love-hold the judgment. If you find that the situation is becoming too much for you to handle on your own, ask your bishop for advice and a blessing of emotional healing!
If you, yourself are struggling with your testimony, I've got a whole lot of blog entries coming that are all dedicated to you! In the meantime, a good first step would be to compare your concerns with the heart of the gospel. Clarify what's pertinent to your salvation and what's just extra fluff! Be gentle and patient with yourself, and remember you do not need to know everything and take all sorts of actions right now. Peace, be still.
Step three is keeping the gospel close to your heart!
4) The Law Of Chastity Always Applies
In order to maintain the law of chastity, you can only have sexual relations within the bonds of marriage. This also applies to sexual conversation, flirting, kissing, etc. Use of pornography is not in harmony with the teachings of the church and the statutes of the Law of Chastity. Flirting with others, especially in a sexually suggestive way is not justifiable within the bonds of eternal matrimony. We need to save all of our sexual and romantic expression for sacred and dignified acts with our spouses. Allow it to be a bonding agent in your marriage, rather than a chaotic force of destruction. Beautiful things come as a result of us respecting our bodies, our spouse's body, and honoring one another's trust.
If you find your spouse has cheated on you or is actively violating the law of chastity, take a breath. Hear them. You don't have to believe their excuses, but you can take the time to hear what they're saying for the sake of your own understanding. It's better to understand the situation than to allow your imagination to run rampant with how bad the offense had been. Remember the Lord wants you to live in a dignified and safe home, where you are respected and loved. You are allowed to get space from the situation. You are allowed to leave altogether if that is what you feel in your heart is the safest and healthiest move for your mind and spirit. Regardless of the form of sexual transgression that was committed against you, seek personal counseling to get on the road to recovering from the wounds of infidelity. Keep your support system close. Use the church's support groups as applicable. Remember your value, and know that Heavenly Father loves you.
Struggling with staying committed or experiencing a pornography addiction? You already know I'm going to point you in the direction of a spiritual resource (your bishop) and professional help (a counselor). Your bishop will likely know of a licensed professional who knows how to honor the church's standards and can hold more meaningful discourse with you. In addition to all of the work you'll be putting in there, make an honest effort to apologize and remove temptation from your life. Be honest with your spouse about your experience-please don't give them shallow and poorly thought out excuses! Be honest, starting now. Put up internet restrictions that block explicit websites, dating sites, etc. Block people on social media that you need to block. Delete your accounts altogether, even if the deletion is only temporary. Keep your internet usage public and in front of family members. Be accountable with your time. Cut out music, TV, etc. that's sexually explicit or suggestive. Understand that when you've abused trust, you will have to earn it back, and be okay with that. Don't set yourself up to fail.
Step four is staying sexually and romantically responsible, respectful, and accountable.
5) Honor One Another's Differences
When we marry, we are joining families, cultures, and experiences. The way I live is most likely very different from how you do! Families naturally have a great deal of built-in diversity. It's so important that we honor these differences, for our children, and for our own hearts. As we come to love and respect people who are little to nothing like us, we come closer to Christ, who is the Savior of every person to dwell on the earth. Come together. Prioritize peace and unity over the idols traditions frequently become. Experiment and try the individual traditions you each bring to the table to see what works best for your unique family. People are to be celebrated and embraced, not invalidated and dismissed.
Sometimes, our personal culture and traditions clash with our spiritual standards. This can be a point of contention for any relationship. When this occurs, let's look at the whole picture. What is this tradition intended to celebrate? How can we take these elements and adapt them to our spiritual standards? Compromise, but do so with integrity. Likewise, when our partners come from backgrounds that often participate in things that go against the way we want to live, we should be patient, loving, and understanding of our spouse and where they come from.
Regardless of how traditions merge or how we feel about one another's cultural backgrounds, we should always remember that we should "never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved". The point of a home is never to have a certain cookie recipe or run a particular 5K on Thanksgiving. It's to grow closer to God, together. Honor one another, and do so by honoring God.
A Thank You
I wanted to go out of my way real quick to remind my readers how grateful I am for their participation in this blog! It is touching to hear your stories and receive your testimony as I do my part in bolstering up my fellow man. I write for your hearts and spirits.
We are living in tumultuous days. Things are only getting scarier and darker. I hope that my contributions can provide some sort of comfort as we face these things together. I invite you all at this time to remember to pray for the family, for our leadership, and for our neighbors. Ask that they might all have peace and prudence as we go through these hard times.
Wishing you all the best!
Helpful Further Reading:
To read more on Temple Marriage, I wanted to provide some of the best talks I've read!
If you are struggling with any form of addiction or abuse, consider these resources:
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