What's Different Now? Before and After Resigning from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

I'm Not Bothered Anymore

       I used to be so absolutely disturbed and embarrassed whenever I would see a news article or movie description of members or organizations of the church doing or saying ignorant, unChristlike, hateful, or otherwise untasteful things. I'm supposed to be a part of something where the culture is wholesome and inviting and loving, maybe even more so than any other religious group. I was bothered by things that had been stated by general authorities that had been proven false or were at least called into question to such a point that most are satisfied claiming they're false. Sometimes, inaccurate but negative portrayals of our core beliefs or culture sank into my heart. As much as I tried to ignore them all...I couldn't.

       Now I don't get bothered by it as much. I'm definitely sad to see members being unChristlike, but I recognize the difference between actual gospel doctrine that I believe in and the church's culture or misinformed spiritual speculation. The gospel is very simple. My covenants are very clear, and they're between me and God. What other members do, how other people interpret it all-that isn't my business! Nothing anyone, with any kind authority does will ever negate the reality of the atonement or the Plan of Happiness. That's just the truth, and that's what means the most to me now. 

       I've also taken each and every member, from the oldest prophet to the newest convert, off of this ridiculously high pedestal. Not a single one of those people aside from Christ could ever be deemed as "perfect". That fact carries a lot of weight with me. Sometimes, some really good people still have some pretty big flaws or are missing an integral piece of the puzzle. We as members of the church are encouraged to pray for confirmation of everything that every leader at every level says or does. We're allowed to disagree. We don't have to be mindless drones. We're required to seek our own personal revelation, as well. If someone asks me why I still support a church where a notable historic member said something or did something that we generally don't support today, I can respond with "uh, because he's not Jesus?" and move on with my life instead of letting it fester. There are many signs of Christ's restored church-completely perfect leaders who never offend or make mistakes is not one of them. 

I Respect My Personal Revelation 

       One of the main points in living the gospel is coming to an understanding of how to do that ourselves. We each have different needs and strengths. When I first became active in the church at the age of seventeen, I felt like I had a lot of catching up to do. Everyone else seemed to be living so differently than myself. I was so afraid of unconsciously doing something incorrectly, that I essentially surrendered all of my free agency and adopted other people's beliefs and habits. I was insecure about everything I'd been doing up until then. This was so, so wrong! 

       I now know how to put my best foot forward, living responsibly and actively. I accept that I'm only held responsible for the things that I understand. I'm absolutely responsible for finding the answers and learning from God what he would have me do. Nevertheless, if there is something I innocently miss despite my best efforts, can't do, or misunderstood, there is grace! 

       Furthermore, I have the strength to question everyone when they critique my lifestyle or belittle my revelation. People have so much to say! So many have written off my spiritual warnings as "unneeded" because I listened...and...avoided the danger...therefore there was no danger? Some think that I shouldn't want to wear garments, that they're oppressive because they force a very specific form of modesty. I see them as reminders of an important covenant I made, a significant symbol of my culture, and a form of spiritual protection. Members and non-members alike have a load of opinions about every. single. thing. I don't need to rely on their personal opinion and their personal revelation to navigate it all. I'm happy to rely on my sacred and special relationship with the savior. 

I'm a Lot More Strict Personally-and a Lot More Forgiving Socially

       I'm not the kind of person who'd ever choose not to wear garments in order to wear a particular dress to a formal event or to accommodate fashion in any other situation. I believe in following the Word of Wisdom to the letter. I think that modesty should follow you at all times to the best of your ability when you workout. It's even my philosophy that if you're going to be disturbed by a sexually obscene/suggestive song or film, you should be slightly more offended by anything that portrays violence and murder. I don't believe in going shopping or even leaving the house outside of going to church on Sundays for anything shy of an emergency or selfless service. I believe FHE should be held every single week. I don't even believe in kissing before marriage! I could go on. 

       A lot of people feel very differently on these topics. Countless members eat meat. Plenty of sisters ditch their garments for special occasions. I just don't see it as my business. I don't need to comment on it anymore. I don't even think I really care! You do you, let me know if you need any help, in the meantime I'll be living my life! 

       I know firsthand that sometimes, people are just barely hanging on. Rather than approaching them with a "um...just letting you know, I noticed you do this and I just wanted to say that that's like way unacceptable (:(:(:(: " we should try instead to just let it go, give them love, and carry on. People are always doing the best they know how with the resources they have available to them. We can't accurately gauge what that means for them. What "our best" means changes minute to minute, day to day, hour to hour. 

       You can't receive personal revelation on behalf of other people. You definitely can't make their choices for them. You can't make anyone see things your way. I love these truths, and I am dedicated to doing my best to honoring them on behalf of others. 

I Have Faith in My Personal Relationship with Christ

       I did not feel like Christ knew me. I did not feel like he paid me any attention. I wondered why I prayed when I wasn't worthy to be heard. Depression clouded my belief that I was a loved daughter of God. I felt like I was constantly efforting to try to earn the atonement that had been made for me. I was constantly trying to make up for things I took responsibility for that had nothing to do with me! I was just riddled with guilt and pain and feelings of unworthiness. 

       Now, I can clearly recall moments where the spirit was speaking to me. I can remember feelings of Christ reaching out to me, and I can say honestly that I believe that I am not only a daughter of God but a daughter he is proud of and he wants me to return to him one day. I believe that Christ wasn't just the savior, but also my savior. I believe that I was amongst the spirits he contemplated and felt for when he prayed in Gethsemane. I believe that there is no depth I can fall that would make me irredeemable for the savior. I am grateful for this knowledge. This means the world to me! I am empowered by my relationship with Christ. I can't tell you what a relief that is. 

 

 

I Don't Worry About the Things I Don't Have Answers To

       Pictured above are 2 of my great-grandmothers, Dorthea Christensdatter and Dorthea Marie Thomasen. These women were phenomenal. They were so dedicated to the gospel that they gave up all of their belongings, crossed the ocean from Denmark to America, and then walked across the entire country to help settle Utah. They didn't do this for fun. This was not an easy task, either. They embarked on this huge journey because the saints were called to establish a home in lands far away, so that they may build up the gospel, help others find Christ, and live safely without the threat of death for their religion. These women got through all of this because of their faith. God saw them through it all. He provided miracles for their sakes, every step of the way. I am constantly in awe of these women. I hold them so dear to my heart, and feel a great sense of love and reverence for them. 

       When I don't have answers to important gospel questions, these women provide my first refuge. There is no doubt in my mind that my ancestors were preserved and sustained by a very real, very loving God. Their stories testify of the spirit. I follow their prayerful and determined examples to the best of my ability. There's so much the early members of the church didn't know, especially after Joseph Smith lost his life. They did the best they could, they prayed, and they clung to their covenants. As I follow their example, I find that answers and peace come more readily.

       Before, if something didn't make sense to me, it was a really big deal. I'm a smart girl. I'm constantly reading everything. It was really unnerving and frankly, embarrassing for me to not know something about the gospel. I had this information gap, and I needed it filled, I didn't care how. 

       Now, I'm patient. If I don't understand something or perceive a "plot-hole", for lack of a better term, in the gospel, I can trust that clarity will come if I need it. I frequently think of what I'll tell future generations when they come to me with my questions. I contemplate the things I don't know thoughtfully, and piece together what I already know. I just look at how much the Lord has taught me already, how much work he's already put into keeping me on the path home, that I just...I find my spirit is a lot more difficult to disturb by the unknown. 

       I also remind myself that a lot of the questions I have really aren't pertinent to my salvation. I'm already clearly provided with the gospel, the ability to enter into sacred covenants, the proper authority to help me enter into these covenants, and the atonement to help me recover. Truly, if this was all I ever knew, I couldn't fail! So, when it comes to questions like "what happens to sealed families when the parents divorce" or "what do we do in the next life", I like to think about it, but I ultimately know that I'll figure that out in due time. Right now, my plate is full enough! 

       Being able to take time to be still and accept that I don't know some things has also taught me how to ask others for answers. I've realized that the best answers come straight from the source. You know who's got AWESOME perspectives on the plight of sister wives? The actual sister wives (reading the journals of polygamist pioneers is so enlightening). I've learned to question my assumptions and prepare my heart to really accept things as they are. 

All Things Considered

       I'm much more faithful, much more confident, and far more empowered now than I was previously. I think a part of that has to do with my immediate influences, for sure. I do my best learning on my own, and I think the majority of my journey back has been me, on my own. I measured my progress by my own measuring stick, as opposed to hearing other people constantly tell me, "well, when you've REALLY learned how to be a good saint, you'll start to do this". It's my own energy, my own revelation that I'm investing. 

       I also really believe that everything that has happened for me was always intended to happen. I've tried to feel embarrassed or ashamed of my path to get here, but I just don't. I think it's all been one huge blessing. I needed a reset button. I needed a chance to enter into covenants because I wanted to. I needed to come to my own understanding, form my own spiritual habits, etc. I think my early life provided me the experience I needed to recognize the spirit, but my adult life has really been my time to learn and grow. 

       At the end of the day, I'm so grateful for my experiences. I know that God knows me and loves me. I know that I have the power to teach others because of my own experience. I feel like I'm a more valuable asset now than I was before I walked away. I hope that if no one learns anything else from me, they can learn to be proud of their progress and feel gratitude for divine influence in their lives.