"Only Marry a Return Missionary"

     

       If you are or have been a young woman in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, you have undoubtedly been counseled (most likely by a veteran Relief Society sister) to only marry a man who has served a mission. I was told this at least a hundred times as a laurel. I didn't have any strong feelings toward this particular "wisdom" then. I was actually kind of surprised when I emerged into adulthood and was exposed to individuals who found this counsel to be unfair, uninspired, and not to mention...kind of invasive! I just hadn't given it much thought, but maybe these people were right. After all, your criteria for an eternal spouse is your business. But...is this advice really that bad? Let's dive in! 

An Important Perspective to Consider: Well, There's Actually a Lot of Wisdom in That Counsel!

       ....And...there is! We need to ask ourselves what truth this could be rooted in, or what inspired this belief. The root of it is easy to identify. Men are the ones who hold the priesthood and it just so happens that missionary work is a priesthood responsibility. Priesthood holders who are healthy enough and worthy to serve should serve! Young men should be preparing themselves mentally, physically, and financially to go out into the world and dedicate their time to spreading the gospel and serve Heavenly Father's children. We can not underestimate the importance of this obligation. This is just the truth! In a separate blog I will dive into the priesthood vs. womanhood, all of the responsibilities therein, and whether or not they're fair. Regardless, this is a point that has been made abundantly clear by many general authorities throughout history. Thomas S. Monson put it perfectly when he said,

       "First, to young men of the Aaronic Priesthood and to you young men who are becoming elders: I repeat what prophets have long taught—that every worthy, able young man should prepare to serve a mission. Missionary service is a priesthood duty—an obligation the Lord expects of us who have been given so very much. Young men, I admonish you to prepare for service as a missionary. Keep yourselves clean and pure and worthy to represent the Lord. Maintain your health and strength. Study the scriptures. Where such is available, participate in seminary or institute. Familiarize yourself with the missionary handbook Preach My Gospel."

       The sealing covenant is a huge deal. You're selecting an eternal companion with whom you will embark on the challenge to become all that you can be, both temporally and spiritually. It's crucial that you pick a partner who will be willing to be at your side through all of life's more intimidating challenges, break old bad habits, adopt higher ways, and boldly live the gospel. When you are in the YA age group, the other young men around you are in the exact season of their life where they are called to serve. If a young man is actively shirking their priesthood responsibility because they'd rather chase other, more worldly goals or simply don't see the value, that's a great big red flag. It's undeniably selfish to be so very blessed and not want to try to share the blessings of the gospel and the priesthood with our brothers and sisters in this life. If he won't live up to this responsibility now, why would he live up to his temple responsibilities next week? 

      Assuming the best of intentions behind the pro-RM sentiment, you're being told not to settle for someone who isn't as ambitious in the gospel as you are, or able to challenge you to do better for yourself spiritually. This is so important! But here's the hard truth; it's impossible to accurately judge another person's testimony and dedication to the gospel based on their mission service. This leads me to the next point...

The Second Side: There are Plenty of Good Reasons to Not Serve!

       Let's just start a list of reasons why a man may not have served:

-Converted too late to serve

-Suffering from mental illness (a reason many modern missionaries are being sent back early)

-Physically too ill to serve/serving would put him at great risk

-Has too many familial responsibilities to feel comfortable serving

       I'm sure there are a few reasons that aren't on that list.

       It's easy to retort, "okay, then the man should resolve his mental illness and serve" or "the Lord will bless his family if he goes to serve his mission". I don't think it always works like that, though. While I know that the Lord will always bless us and provide a way for us to obey his commandments or embark on righteous journeys, I also know that he asks us to use our common sense. Sometimes, it's really obvious that what's best for us is not to go out and serve the way most others do. 

       I also want us to consider what's really at the heart of a mission. Missionary work is selfless sacrifice and pure, Christlike love. The whole point of a mission is to do the Lord's work. Missionaries are called to teach, to help, to love, to comfort, and to learn. These are all things we should find ourselves able to do every day as faithful saints, on and off the mission. 

       It's my opinion that we should be searching for Christlike action and loving sacrifices from our potential mates, rather than focusing in on titles and common works. The decision to serve a mission, at the end of the day, is between us and Heavenly Father. While we are given basic guidance as a church body, we still have individual relationships with our Heavenly Father. We can receive the best guidance tailored for us as unique individuals, straight from Heavenly Father. And, by the way, that individual divine counsel is not up for debate or scrutinization from others that it doesn't pertain to. And...no, Brother and Sister Busybody, you can't receive that kind of guidance on their behalf...ever...no, not under any circumstances. If they're alive, they can receive inspiration on their own, thanks. 

       To assume that someone will be a poor mate simply based on the fact that they didn't serve a mission is to blatantly undermine Heavenly Father and his relationship with this person. Assuming someone is less spiritually fit because they didn't serve a mission is absurd and out of harmony with the teachings of the gospel. You don't know how this person behaved on their mission or how it impacted their testimony (for better or for worse). All you know is they went to the MTC and got a nice name tag. You know what they were called to do, not how well they did it. Furthermore, we're all called to do what missionaries do. We just do it in different capacities. 

 The Bottomline 

       Choosing your eternal companion is scary. People change all of the time, sometimes for better and others for worse. No one wants to feel the pain of falling in love with and hitching your wagon to someone who later decides that they no longer want to participate in the gospel. Wouldn't it be nice if identifying a solid partner was as simple as checking a few boxes like "returned missionary", "baptized", "has the priesthood" etc.? I know my personal choice for myself is someone who's on the stricter, maybe you could say the more disciplined or thoughtful side of spiritual. I get anxious, myself, about whether or not I'll ever find a man who's stern in his living but gentle-hearted. I'm even more anxious that the man I find won't stay that way for long. Many modern young adults have similar anxieties they try to combat with arbitrary criteria. What's the solution? 

       Well, there's no real way to know what the future holds for you and your potential partner. You simply can't predict how they'll grow and improve or what path they'll walk. We can, however, find solace in the fact that our paths are paved by our own choices! We can choose to be faithful, loving, and supportive spouses. We can choose to prepare for and honor our covenants. We even have the choice of what sorts of things we invite into our homes, how we handle disagreements, etc. Our power of choice can impact our future for the better in so many ways.

       My advice to young single adults is to stand in holy places so that you can be found by those who also stand in holy places. Be found being charitable and see who else will join you in offering that divine Christlike love. Live in the most righteous capacity you can and see how the spirit helps you recognize a smart match. Most importantly, be positive and faithful concerning your desire of marriage. We often get so loud about the things we want and how disappointed we are about not having it yet. Our mental monologue can start to sound like, "I don't have it yet, why do other people have it, I'll probably never have it I just feel so hopeless...". We make it impossible to recognize an answered prayer when we're constantly doubting over the whispers of the spirit. Be still. Be faithful. Present your righteous desires to the Lord, and know that he isn't working against you or trying to make you suffer to obtain it! Heavenly Father is so excited when we have honest righteous goals. He celebrates every time we determine to obey the commandments or enter into higher covenants. He wants these things for us, too! Turn it over to him faithfully, live worthily, and see how it all falls into place. Don't worry about the details. Heavenly Father's got that all worked out for you.  

       May you be blessed on your journey to eternal marriage and never feel that Heavenly Father would have you settle for anything less than a wonderful and loving eternal companion.