Forgiving and Repenting

       I have to make a confession; I've been a bad friend before. Most of the time, I didn't even realize what was happening! I might've felt justified or not known that I was hurting the other person. Other times I could feel that I'd just slipped out of control, but didn't see any chance of stopping it and correcting myself in time. Worse yet, there have been times where I even purposely hurt someone. I'd like to think I've made proper amends to all of the people I've knowingly and unknowingly hurt, but I welcome the opportunity to make things better with those I haven't yet. 

       You're probably in the same boat. I'm sure you've said or done something hurtful-maybe even vicious to someone you loved. I'm sure you tried to apologize sometime after. Let me ask you something though, have you ever felt as though someone was using the transgression you made against them as a way to make their lives "spicier" or "more entertaining", or even to make you a target for them to take out their frustrations on? Have you done this to someone? 

       What about feeling lost on how to really forgive? Have you ever thought, "everyone tells me I need to forgive, but no one's ever taught me how"? Do you sometimes feel like forgiving someone for something would then, in turn, make you guilty of what they did, or look like you approved of or dismissed their actions? 

       I know that the terrain of forgiveness is hard to navigate, but it's a challenge worth mastering. I wanted to break it down, step-by-step, and explore ideas on how you can become better at forgiving and being forgiven. Let's get to it. 

Step 1) Allow Natural Consequences to Flow

       Have you ever known Christ to take away your ability to learn from a mistake? I sure haven't. Christ never interferes with our learning. He helps us learn and apply our knowledge to do better. Natural consequences are an essential part of Earth-life experience. If someone has done something wrong, they are going to have to deal with the results of that, regardless of how sorry they are or how otherwise kind they may be. Do NOT feel guilty when someone has done something they shouldn't have and they don't like what comes next-especially if what they did was abusive, dangerous, or illegal. Consequences can be a healing agent for everyone involved if you let them be. They provide a sense of order and justice and a lesson that needs learning. When we "protect" people from facing the consequences, we're really just stunting them in the long-run. Let go and let it happen. Just because you're allowing someone to face the pain of their actions doesn't mean you're obligated to cheer for their suffering.

       Likewise, when you've messed up, don't ask for your consequences to be alleviated. Instead, take the time to understand the cause and effect. Heal whatever caused you to feel the need to behave poorly. Reflect on what you've done and what you'd rather do next time. Pray for the strength to become better from this experience.

       Let's also make sure we're not trying to exaggerate the due punishment either. If someone steals gum from you, that's not worthy of a death sentence. You may be tempted to inflict excessive pain. After all, if they did that to you, what else are they capable of...and shouldn't the punishment be determined by the amount of pain or anger caused? This is not healthy thinking and is most certainly not how Heavenly Father thinks when he sees us make mistakes. Focus on balance and trust in God to deliver it in due time. Your job isn't to be the judge, jury, and executioner. 

Step 2) Get Some Space

       Similarly to how we can do something that leads to us being placed on probation or even become excommunicated, we sometimes need a break before we continue a relationship with someone we've hurt or has hurt us. Taking time to gather yourself and allow the other person to be healed by time is essential. Otherwise, both parties are going to find themselves standing in the putrifying bogs of resentment. People need time to evaluate circumstances, make decisions, and heal. If we avoid giving each other that time, we end up putting people through a lot of stress, we add to the damage, and we ask others to do things they aren't yet capable of doing.

       I also want to add something I've been trying to teach people for years. Forgiveness is not an invitation to your table.  You can choose to let go of anger and maintain the necessary space from someone for your own safety. If someone is not safe then that is all you need to know to figure out if you should have them around again. Do not feel that you need to open yourself or your loved ones up to people who are manipulative, angry, dangerous, or otherwise unsafe! It is possible to choose to live apart from people and still want good things for them.

       We can't afford to be impatient when it comes to repentance of any sort. We can't rush the process of finding peace or mastering a new skill. Taking your time to come to terms and gain a fresh perspective is invaluable and should be done with intention and hope of what is to come. Don't hesitate to provide space and time for healing to take place. 

Step 3) Choose to Let Yourself Off the Hook

       Much of why we don't want to forgive someone is because we want to keep telling our story. It's important to us that we feel heard, and some people need an abundance of confirmation that their pain is justified, especially in cases where they've manipulated or gaslighted. It's okay to do that at first. Reach out for support, especially from the Savior. Process it verbally if that's what works best for you. However, there comes a time when we need to say "I've told this part of the story, it's time to talk about moving on".

       Choosing to extend or amplify feelings of anger and hurt over what someone's done, to make them out to be this one-dimensional, inhumane monster goes against the nature of our very spirits. We were not created to hate. Whether you like it or not, Christ is not defining both of you by that moment (or the many moments) that transpired where pain was afflicted. That moment does not negate the divine origin both parties share, and most certainly doesn't disqualify either person for the right to access the atonement, no matter how bad the action was. Christ wants both of you to do better and be better. How can you align your will with Christ's when you are so filled with anger or hatred towards one of the people he died for and would die for again if it meant only saving that individual (or persons)?

       You need to pray for them.

       Yes, you do, and yes, you will struggle at first. Sometimes you've got to pray for the strength to pray for them. All the same, you need to pray. You don't need to pray to love them. You don't need to wish them all of the success in the world. It's enough at first to just pray that they've learned the lesson they needed to learn from you and they may have the spirit with them to do better. I promise, as awkward and painful as it might be at first, trying to love them like the savior loves them will truly transform your heart.

       If you were the offender, pray for the healing of the person. Pray that you would have the opportunity to make things better for them or somehow bless someone's life in honor of the person you hurt. Ask the Lord what he would have you do to make up for what you've said or done. He will guide you. 

Step 4) Reach Out, If Appropriate

       Assuming that it's safe to and wouldn't cause any trouble for either party involved, sometimes it can be helpful to reach out to a person. This can look like so many different things. A simple check-in, a long and detailed message about your journey to forgiving them, letting them know you'd like to reconnect, etc. Personally, I tend to reach out to people to let them know I'm grateful for their role in my life and that I hope they're finding happiness in every day.

       Whatever you think would be the best way to approach them, be clear on what you're hoping will come of your newly established communication. Are you trying to rekindle a beloved friendship? Are you seeking simple closure? No matter what you want, the only way you can get it is by trying! Approach them in a gentle and loving manner and see what comes of it.

       Likewise, if you've hurt someone, amazing things could come from you reaching out to apologize for whatever's transpired between you. Approaching with genuine intention and a real desire to heal things will make a difference. Even if they refuse you, they will know in their heart that you are a changed person.

       When we become spiritually rebellious or step away from the Lord in any other way, it's up to us to come back. Heavenly Father will never force us to follow him. We follow this example in our own lives when we allow for other people to exercise their agency. We're empowered when we remember that it's our choice to repent and come back. Allow this to flow into all of your relationships! Live with an open heart. 

Step 5) Exercise Compassion-for Both of You

       Sometimes we get overwhelmed when we've tried and tried to forgive and we're still left with immense and bitter anger. We know we should forgive, and sometimes we feel like what we're angry over is so petty, why can't we just let it go? Even though forgiveness is a commandment, it's also a skill. The good news about that is, we're only judged on whether or not we did our personal best to adhere to the commandments. If Joe and Mary down the street are the best at forgiving, that's great! But it doesn't have any bearing on our own score. Don't beat yourself up if you can't bring yourself to forgive quite the way you'd like to, but never stop trying anyway! Forgiveness takes practice, even for the pros. 

       We should also practice compassion for those who haven't quite forgiven us. Sometimes people claim to have forgiven us and even welcome us back into their lives, but their actions indicate they're still holding onto something. If the person you have once offended is determined to keep you stuck with unChristlike labels such as "mean", "selfish", "problematic", and so on, lend them your compassion. Maybe they just haven't ever been taught how to properly move on. Maybe you need to sit down and ask them what more you could do to earn their forgiveness. Sometimes all you can do is prove your change in spirit over time. No matter, understand that you don't get to tell them what their forgiveness schedule looks like! 

       Life is hard. We're pummeled by bad news, frustrating circumstances, and having the earth pulled out from under us on a frequent basis. Sometimes we find ourselves so completely overwhelmed with emotional pain that we start to let go of the more rational and responsible parts of ourselves for a time because holding on to them hurts so bad! To top it off, we have a number of responsibilities and not enough time or resources allocated to us to stop and address our problems and revisit our responsibilities when we're ready. We are constantly under pressure! We need to be compassionate towards the people who, in a time of great weakness and pain, who've been fighting their whole lives to heal certain wounds or have certain needs addressed, act out. Feeling compassion and understanding for someone does not mean that we dismiss what they did. But it does mean we make a conscious effort to not define them by their actions in the midst of hard times. You are much more than your sins. So are they. 

       Remember that when you are given the opportunity to forgive someone, you are given the opportunity to be an instrument through which Christ works on someone's life. Your example of forgiveness and love can be the force in someone's life that brings them to Christ and helps them learn how important they are in the eternal scheme of things. The same applies to people who are given the opportunity to offend others. If you choose to be offensive, you could drive people further away from Christ's church by making them feel unsafe, unwelcome, and unloved. They are beloved children of divine parents and they need to know that just as badly as you do. 

       If you are a follower of Christ, you have chosen to take his name upon you. By doing this you are accepting the responsibility given to you of being a representative of him. How you treat people reflects on the savior, and as members of the church, we are all under great scrutinization. Be mindful of your baptismal covenants. Know the nature of our savior's love. Apply it to every situation you stumble into. Do your best and make reparations when you make a mistake. And always remember who's on your side.