July 15th, 2017 I entered the LDS temple in Rexburg, Idaho to receive my endowments. I approached it with hope that this experience would strengthen my relationship with our Heavenly Father, and that I would receive a special personal testimony of my unique identity and role in Heavenly Father's great plan of happiness. Instead, I found myself feeling sick, broken, and confused. After weeks of prayer and intense study and contemplation in an attempt to salvage my testimony, I had to step away from the church (and spirituality as a whole). A few short months later, I elected to leave the church, officially, in an attempt to remain honest with myself and others. It seemed like the thing a person with integrity would do.
Fast forward a year and a half later, and I find myself turning back to Christ. A desperate plea to forgive those who had viciously crossed me and the need to understand some personal spiritual experiences led me to prayer and that prayer confirmed to me that Heavenly Father was real, that Christ had atoned for my sins, and that the time had come for me to return to the fold.
The Lord Rewards Righteous Action
But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead? James 2:20
As soon as that sliver of faith was restored by the spirit answering my prayers, I knew I had to take steps toward reconciling with Heavenly Father and place myself back on His path. I wasn't sure where exactly that was, but I knew I was going to get there.
In my time out of the church, I had strayed quite far and lost so much of my spiritual insight. I had broken the word of wisdom, spoken out openly against the church for its many injustices I had mistakenly perceived, and was generally disrespectful towards God, amongst so many other things. I knew I had much to repent for. As I approached the Lord, I felt His love. The path before me was revealed. I was blessed with a restored testimony, answers to questions, loving friends and family, and help to do all that I can do.
I am an action-oriented person. If I believe in something, I have to do something about that. As my faith grew, I continued to take steps to repent-I'd fasted, met with (the sweetest!) missionaries, returned to church, studied scriptures, and did what I could to learn of Heavenly Father and His plan for me.
"A change of mind and heart that brings a fresh attitude toward God, oneself, and life in general." (Definition of Repentance)
My understanding of repentance grew so much during this time. Before, I viewed it as begging God for mercy, confessing how I'd messed up and hoping He would forgive me and go easy on the consequences. Now I recognize repentance as the simple act of learning. When we turn our hearts to Christ and put our strength in our faith rather than our own understanding, and when we utilize the atonement to overcome our weaknesses, that is repentance. I was not bracing myself for punishment from God. I was saying "I understand better now. Can you help me live this and correct what I can?"
Everything You Experience is Part of God's Plan
Looking back now, I can very easily see God's hand in every single thing that I experienced. I understood why I'd had those feelings I had in the temple, the people who'd entered into my life their interactions with me, right down to the very moment I knelt down in prayer. I know that no matter what I do, the Lord is with me. We can never stray so far that the Lord would not know us and bless us. He is constantly teaching us and blessing us with the things that we need.
The knowledge I have of Christ's atonement and Heavenly Father's Plan of Salvation has shielded me from shame and feelings of inadequacy. Many I've talked to assume that I would be embarrassed to have made the decision to leave the church, or that I'd feel stupid for having left the church. Many who've repented for greater sins have a constant feeling of guilt and have not let themselves off the hook, years after the transgression and repentance has taken place.
It is my testimony that Christ offers the healing powers of the atonement freely, graciously, and without anger or disappointment in any of us. The purpose of our earthly experience is to grow, gain testimony and experience, and prepare for the next phase in our eternal existence. We are expected to make mistakes. There are many things we will have to learn from experience rather than from obedience alone. Christ's sacrifice for us was the key for our suffering and mistakes to have a purpose, for healing to be possible, and for us to be able to move on and strengthen our spirits. I can only feel immense gratitude when I apply the atonement to my own life.
It is my hope for each and every person on this earth that they will never let a stumbling block along the road to exaltation keep them down. May we all continue to strive to build ourselves and each other up. May we have faith not only in God but in God's vision for all of us.
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